3 WAYS TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT

Sometimes when life is hard and overwhelming we don't know what to do. Prayers go unanswered or circumstances leave us feeling helpless. We wonder where God is.

I have been in this position many times.  I try to live in the moment instead of projecting doom or lamenting mistakes.

But exactly how does one pause from life's stress and live in the moment? It was my son, Chris, who battled terminal cancer for 4 years, who became my teacher.

Chris at age 12, during his remission period

#1 GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO LAUGH

Throughout his long months of treatment, Chris became a master at snatching perfect little moments of joy. He loved pranks and I was always eager to be his sidekick. One day when Miss Mary, the housekeeper, came in to mop his hospital room Chris made sure that his rubber vomit was properly placed front and center. She tried unsuccessfully to mop it up and she threw her head back and laughed when she discovered it was fake. We all enjoyed tossing it around yelling “Ewww, catch!”

Chris was also fond of filling empty syringes with water and hiding them under the covers. Many unsuspecting staff members left his room a bit wetter than when they came in.

Of course, some days Chris felt too sick to play, but as soon as he started feeling better his old mischievous self would re-emerge. Sometimes we played a game we called “It Could be Worse If” and we would invent ridiculous scenarios and try to top each other. It went something like this:

 Me: Well, it could be worse if the hospital were 5 hours away instead of 1 hour away.

              
Chris: Yeah, and it could be worse if the hospital was surrounded by a minefield and you had to keep from getting blown up to get to your room.

 Me: Yeah, and it could be worse if while you were tip-toeing through the mind field you suddenly had to go to the bathroom really bad so you had to hurry up.

  Chris: Yeah, and then it could be worse if while you are running through the mind field holding yourself someone started lobbing grenades at you.

 We sometimes digressed into gross and inappropriate scenarios. Chris was a master at sound effects so he would create bomb noises or sounds reminiscent of someone’s extremities being torn off. I know it sounds morbid, but we always ended up laughing.

 Chris: And then, it would be even worse because you would only have one hand left to pick your nose with! 

To read Chris's story click here.

 Those adolescent antics were good therapy for both of us. If you are dealing with a sick or disabled child, let their natural playfulness help you stay in the moment.

 Jesus had a sense of humor too, you know. He really didn't see someone with a giant plank in their eye. (Matt 7:3-5) He really didn't want you to pluck out your eyeball. (Matt 18:9) He used humor to teach, and he would never want someone to feel too burdened to laugh.

 If you aren't into pranks or silly conversations, other ways to escape into humor include funny movies or videos. Dust off your old board games. Try You-Tubing animal antics!  Spend time with someone who makes you laugh.

 Our youngest, Jarrod, was our go-to guy for laughter. He loved to interrupt me in the kitchen to show me ridiculous videos of people falling. Just hearing him laugh lightened my heart. 

 Research supports the many benefits of laughter. It decreases stress hormones and increases infection-fighting antibodies. Whatever you are going through—that's good medicine! Even a few minutes a day makes a difference.

#2 GO OUTSIDE 

 If your health permits, spend some time outside each day. Connecting with nature helps us connect with God. Surrounding myself with His beauty is my favorite way to get out of my own head. Whether it is watching a butterfly in a garden, crunching along in a winter forest, gazing at leaves in the fall, or just a lunchtime stroll away from fluorescent office lights, time outside never fails to refresh me. 

PSALM 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands."

The author enjoying nature in her kayak

 I am blessed to have a canal behind me where I live, and the abundance of wildlife, especially the birds, is a great source of entertainment. The calls of limpkins and black-bellied whistling ducks wake us up each morning and I head out to my lanai with my cup of coffee. I often spot a great blue heron stalking along on his long legs or a cormorant diving and resurfacing with a fish in his mouth. 

 If you own a dog try walking him on a new route, perhaps somewhere less populated. When there is no one around, I allow my dog off leash for a few moments to chase a squirrel up a tree. There is nothing more in-the-moment than a dog bounding after a squirrel. Of course, my dog obediently comes back. if yours doesn't you may have a dog park nearby. It is worth the extra effort to witness pure canine joy.

 If you have neglected gardening or camping equipment in your garage maybe it's time to give them a spin. Not motivated? Perhaps a friend, spouse, or accountability partner can nudge you along. When I used to run marathons the hardest part was getting out of bed. So I ran with others who were training. Once we started I always found new energy.

The summer after we lost our second son, Jarrod, Rob and I sold everything and bought an RV. We left Florida for a while and went to the mountains of North Carolina. Our mission: to find as many waterfalls as possible. We had many sweet moments with God sitting by his thundering beauty. Nature helped us find the God whom we thought had abandoned us.

My husband, Rob, and our emotional support dog, Marley

#3 DON'T GIVE UP YOUR HOBBIES

 Many of us have hobbies because they give us a chance to indulge in something fun. I am never more in the moment than when I'm laser-focused on a tennis ball coming at me from the other side of the court. When I'm mixing colors to paint or playing with words I'm using different parts of my brain. I'm not firing the neurons used for worry, regret, resentment, and stress.

 Sadly, when major life challenges occur we tend to drop all of our other interests and focus only on the problem. This is especially true of caregivers. After putting the rest of our life on hold, we wonder why we are so depressed.

 The Lord gave each of us a unique set of interests and talents. To ignore them during hard times is to ignore God's gifts. As a matter of fact, that's when we need them more than ever!
         
 David used his musical ability to write both psalms of joy and psalms of lament. Remember, God doesn't expect you to be happy all of the time. Using your talents to express pain and sorrow are actually a form of worship. God would rather hear your cries than endure your silence. 

During the years of Chris's treatments, I turned my running hobby into a way to raise money for cancer research. I completed 6 distance events, traveled to beautiful places, and raised $40,000. The running kept me sane and the fundraising marathons helped me make a difference.

You don't have to run marathons, but you could let your imagination run a bit. Bring that crocheting to the waiting room; bring that sketch pad or that sudoku to Grandmom's bedside; take 15 minutes to meditate; take a break from grieving to do something that brings you comfort. And while you're at it find something to laugh about. 

Like me, Chris enjoyed arts and crafts. One day the counselors brought a paint set to his hospital room. He and his roommate were painting away when one of them accidentally spilled paint on his sheet. Well, before we knew what was happening they both decided to paint their linens! The result was two Jackson Pollock-style works of art. We hung the sheets on the wall and invited all of the staff and patients to our 'art show'.

And that's what keeps me going—the moments! That's what we remember — the moments. That's what we have right now in this life. 

Remember, laughter and tears are only a moment apart, but joy is eternal.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOMENTS.

To invite Maribeth to speak at your event click here.
              

4 PRACTICAL TIPS FOR CARING FOR SIBLINGS OF A CHRONICALLY ILL CHILD

When our 10-year old Chris was diagnosed with cancer by necessity he often became the center of attention. However, all three of our children suddenly had parents who were a lot more stressed and who had less time for them.

           When a child is diagnosed with cancer or a life-changing condition the whole family is diagnosed.  Everyone is deeply affected. Sometimes the other healthy children can be overlooked. Here are a few practical tips for taking care of your other children and keeping the whole family sane.

Chris relaxing at home between treatments

1. MAKE SPECIFIC TIME FOR EACH CHILD

My husband, Rob, and I made it a point try to set aside specific, individual time for our other two children. Our daughter, Erin was 14 when Chris was diagnosed so she spent her entire high school career in the world of pediatric cancer. There were midnight trips to the hospital and missed school events. At the time, Erin was dancing in high school productions, and we mapped these out carefully on our calendar and made as many of them as possible. Erin got the message that her life was still important to us.

Our youngest, Jarrod, had needs that were much different than Erin’s. There was an eleven year age difference, and completely different personalities. Jarrod was our non-stop, action-packed, ADHD kid whose motor was always running. Sports were important to him. Taking him outside to run around for 10 or 20 minutes and praising him was the formula that worked for him. Jarrod also had a favorite bedtime book that I read to him every night.

2. ALLOW THEM TO MAINTAIN THEIR INTERESTS

We did everything in our power to make sure that our two children without cancer got to keep their lives. We learned that it was okay to ask for help with rides. We became grateful receivers of meals. This freed up more of our precious time. Rob and I were blessed to both have parents living in the area so sometimes it was a grandparent who cheered on the sidelines.

            If you are a single parent reading this you might be saying to yourself, "That's easy for you—you had a husband and parents!" This is where you can't be afraid to ask for help. If you belong to a church you already have a built-in support system. You will bless their lives by giving them the opportunity to be the helping hands in the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31

"Now you are Christ's body, and individually members of it. For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ."

 Supporting their activities gave us quality time with each of them as individuals. For Erin, it was often long conversations about her dance life. She wanted me to hear all about her friends and which ballet teachers were nice, and which ones weren’t. For Jarrod, it usually involved being outside tossing a ball around or clapping when he did tricks in the pool. Your other children will benefit enormously by just a few minutes of your focused attention. 

Our last family portrait taken shortly before Chris went to be with the Lord.

3. KEEP MEALTIME ROUTINES WHENEVER POSSIBLE

One of the most important ways that Rob and I supported our children was by continuing our habit of family dinners. (For more information on the benefits of family meals click here.) Sitting down at the table as a family enabled everyone to process what was going on and to have their questions answered. When Chris was too sick to come to the table we still ate with the others. When it was Rob’s turn with Chris at the hospital I tried my best to do this with Erin and Chris. This was an opportunity for them to say things that they wouldn’t say in front of Chris.

“Mom,” Erin complained one time, in that tone mastered only by teenagers, “How come I have to take out the trash now? That used to be Chris’s job?”

“I know honey, we’ve all had to make changes. Chris is just too sick now. Remember he has the hardest job of all. He has to take nasty medicine that makes him feel like he has the flu. He has to fight cancer. He’d trade places with you if he could and be a healthy kid who can do chores.” I tried to emphasize that we were a family team all working together, helping Chris survive.

     By making the effort to spend time with our healthy children they felt valued. This made it easier to motivate them to work together as a team. Did it work all the time? No, we had setbacks, emergencies, and many changes to plans, but we started each week over again committed to find as much normalcy as possible.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Finally, Rob and I supported our children by saving a little time for ourselves. By keeping our relationship healthy we were much better parents to our children. Too many other things in our lives had changed. We couldn’t let the kids see us torn apart too. 

 Let someone else sit with your sick child so you can spend an hour or two with your loved one, or even with yourself. In the long run, your children will end up receiving better care. They will have a parent who is more rested and focused.

   Be creative. The hospital where Chris was treated had a nearby neighborhood where I could jog. It also had a downtown with restaurants and coffee shops. A 30-minute escape sometimes made a world of difference.

It is not always possible to keep a normal routine when a life-threatening illness strikes a family. This is especially true if the nearest treatment center is far away. We had only an hour drive. Some of the families we met came from much farther away, even in other countries.

Sometimes the best that you can do is bring a favorite toy or bedtime book for your child that is not on treatment. Long periods away from home may force you to find new routines. A meal can be shared at a table anywhere.

     The Ronald McDonald House where we stayed had kitchens, playgrounds, libraries, movies, and video games. They also had special family events such as parties and picnics. Even if your child is hospitalized allow your other children to participate in events offered to you.

     Your child's social worker or clinic can provide you with a list of charities and organizations who exist solely to help people like you. Take advantage of them!

             Remember, accepting help makes it easier to take care of yourself and your other children. 

      A child’s heart is infinitely forgiving and adaptable. They will respond to focused attention and small moments of fun.

4 GIFTS THAT MOM GAVE US

      This blog is for anyone who has lost a beloved mother. 

     How do you say goodbye to the person who has loved you unconditionally since the moment you were born?

      I think the first thing we do is realize that it isn’t really goodbye. It’s farewell until we are all together again in the house of the Lord. My mother passed away a few days ago and I want to celebrate the gifts that she gave us.

1. FAMILY VALUES

Mom gave us the gift of strong family values. She anchored our family with loving structure and home-cooked meals. We sat down at the table together every night for dinner. We each had our own place at the table and that security eventually helped us find our own places in the world.

1968: Mom in the background with the 4 of us kids. I am in the sailor hat.

      Every Sunday morning before church we woke up to the sound of Irish music playing and the smell of bacon cooking. My husband, Rob, and I raised our 3 children in church and we ate dinners together as a family, even as it was rapidly going out of style. I believe that those two practices: joining a church and sharing meals together are the backbone of family life.

       In my long career as a teacher, I often urged my families to break bread together, to give their kids a chance to process their day and to problem solve.

      Cell phones need to go in a bin. Life's challenges need to be addressed from a Christian perspective. There also needs to be time for laughter and celebrating each family member's uniqueness. I am grateful for that background. 

      If this doesn't sound like your family, it is NEVER too late to start. 

2. LOVE

 Mom gave us the gift of love. I remember one time when I was little sitting on the floor with friends watching TV. (Back then it was 3 channels and rabbit ears!) Mom swooped into the room and announced, “I’m collecting kisses!” She went around the room hugging and kissing everyone. Our home was a neighborhood hangout where everyone was welcome. 

            Love makes a heart sensitive. I will never forget my younger sister, Maureen’s christening party. I was five years old and I watched with childish envy as my baby sister’s pile of gifts grew taller and taller. In my young mind’s eye, the stack of presents reached all the way to the ceiling. Then, after everyone left Mom turned to me and smiled. “Honey, you pick out whatever you want and it’s yours.” I still remember that white stuffed lamb.

       Such a seemingly small act of kindness in an adult's eyes is usually a big deal for a child.

3. FAITH

Thinking of that little stuffed lamb I can’t help but draw a parallel to our Lord giving us His son, His perfect white lamb. Mom’s greatest gift to us—her gift of faith. We saw her pray daily, and she taught us to be grateful for what the Lord had given us. A number of years ago Mom took Maureen and me to a holy site. Seeing people come together from all over the world to pray had a huge impact on me. I felt the power of the holy spirit. That connection would become my anchor in later years when my family and I experienced great challenges.

          Whenever we faced difficulties Mom was fond of saying, “Offer it up.” This became a family catchphrase over the years, and Mom would laugh when we would imitate her saying it. Mom could always laugh at herself. We all inherited Mom’s gift of humor.

4. HUMOR

 

    Humor was such a huge part of our family life.

One of our favorite stories is the time when our family was young and we had just moved to a new area. Mom’s car broke down and she became quite flustered. She called Dad and described everything in detail including what she was wearing. Dad, in his usual deadpan manner, replied, “Well, Honey, why don’t you stand on the roof of the car and wave so I know it’s you.” As the years went by Mom loved poking fun at herself by telling that story.

         By showing us children that she could laugh at herself Mom taught us not to take ourselves too seriously.

One of our favorite family tales is the one about the bald cake. Mom’s dear friend, Shirley, baked a cake for her birthday and brought it over to our house a day early. Big mistake. Well, our inquisitive little selves couldn’t help but peek under the cake dish. There it was, the creamiest most exquisite strawberry icing known to man. Surely, one little finger swipe wouldn’t be noticed?  Mmmm was it good! Well, you can imagine the damage done by four little sets of fingers over the course of 24 sneaky hours. We even lifted off the top layer and scraped the icing in between before nonchalantly putting it back.

 When Mom lifted the lid the next day she gasped in horror. All that remained of the icing was a few pinkish finger tread marks. It wasn’t long before Mom’s initial anger gave way to humor, and she ended up telling the story to all of her friends.

My favorite memories are bringing my children up from Florida to visit Mom and Dad and to see snow. One time when my Chris was about six my Florida boy wanted to make some ice. So we poured water into a Dixie cup and set it out on the porch. Well, the weather didn’t cooperate. It didn’t go below freezing. So Mom and I decided to help mother-nature along a little. When Chris was in bed we poured out the water and put an ice cube in the cup. When Chris saw the ice cube the next morning he exclaimed, “So that’s where they come from.”

During the past months as Mom declined, she asked us to tell her all of the stories that we never dared to share when we were young. So we told her about playing in the drainage pipes below a major highway, climbing on rooves at construction sites, and jumping off of our neighbor's roof into their sandbox. Mom laughed with love in her eyes.

I realize that I grew up more privileged than most. We had a Mom and a Dad that loved us, and a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. Perhaps you are a struggling single parent or a victim of abuse. Maybe you have no foundation to build upon.

         Remember, with God nothing is impossible. I have seen it with my own eyes.

 You can be like my mom and leave a legacy of love, laughter, and faith.

Proverbs 22:6 says it best:

  Train up a child in the way he should go,
^[And when he is old he will not depart from it.

        Mom, we know where we came from, and thanks to your example, we know where we are going.

        Thank you for being our mom.

        Do you have a story about your mom? Please share it!

          

4 CHRISTIAN THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE "BOY ERASED"

I recently watched the movie, "Boy Erased" and it occurred to me that the values and the methods of the so-called Christians in that film may be the only conception of Christianity offered to some folks in the LGBT community.

The movie "Boy Erased" starring Lucas Hedges and Russel Crowe, is based on the memoir by Garrad Conley. It is the true story of the teenage son of a pastor who was subjected to gay conversion therapy. He had to endure cult-like tactics and shaming procedures such as public confessions, robotic chants, and witnessing demons being beaten out of his struggling friend, Cameron.

Cameron, played by Britton Sear, was having trouble complying with the program. He was torn by his same-sex attraction and his desire to be saved. He also grappled with the rejection of his family. In order to scare him into following the program, he was made to attend a fake funeral for himself complete with a casket.

 Later in the movie, Cameron kills himself.

Data collected from 35 studies show that sexual minority youth are more than 3 times likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Click here for full article.

As of this writing, gay conversion therapy is legal in 36 states. Many of these programs are affiliated with self-proclaimed Christian organizations.

 Research has revealed that 698,000 LGBT adults have undergone conversion therapy and more than half of them said they received the treatment when they were adolescents.

Many of these programs tell the attendees that if they do not change they are going to hell.

No wonder the gay community has become distrustful.

I found the film shocking and thought-provoking, and I'd like to present 4 important points for Christians to consider.

1. MANY IN THE LGBT COMMUNITY HAVE A FALSE IMPRESSION OF CHRISTIANITY

 Let me start off by saying that Conversion therapy is a perversion of true Christian love. Jesus says in Matthew 22:34-40 that the greatest commandment of all is to love God, and the second greatest is to love one another. 

Telling gay adolescents that God does not love them is wrong. It is also putting conditions on their salvation.

The bible clearly states the only way to be saved.  

Romans 10:9 Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Period

There are no prerequisites about sexual orientation, criminal background checks, character references, or church attendance. 

2. WE MUST ACT IN LOVE

                

How many LBGT's really know the true promise? For that matter, there's plenty of heterosexuals out there who don't really understand the gospel.

We have to meet people where they are. When Jesus met the woman at the well he didn't tell her to stop sleeping around before He would chat with her. 

The idea is to love on them and allow God to work in them. 

What are we, as Christians, going to do when movies like "Boy Erased" reveal some of the awful things being done in the name of Christianity? 

We can't allow the media and politics to define us. We have to show everyone who we really are.

We need to nurture our relationships with our LGBT friends and family. It's impossible to share the good news if we are estranged from them. 

Also, it's probably not a good idea to tell them stories of folks leaving the gay lifestyle unless they ask. 

We are not responsible for judging them or changing them.

                

 Our so-called "Great Commission" is to spread the gospel, not to decide whether or not someone is worthy enough to hear it.

 We should be trying to introduce them to the saving grace of Jesus. Instead of pushing them away from us on earth, we should be inviting them to join us in heaven!

We will probably face rejection. Our gay family members may balk at accepting Jesus when His word condemns same-sex relations. But remember the Bible also condemns lying, cheating, and a multitude of other sins. 

Jesus paid for all of it, not just the heterosexual sins.

One of my closest friends has a gay son. He has denounced the church despite his Christian upbringing. I believe his decision was strongly influenced by a culture that paints Christians as the enemy.

She is doing her part to change that. She has told him many times that no matter what she loves him, and also that God loves him. 

Are we telling our gay friends that, or are we avoiding "G" word?

Are we letting politics scare us away from intimate friendships?

Are we missing chances to plant seeds of hope?

Robert Loius Stevenson said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant."

3. WE DON'T HAVE TO COMPROMISE OUR BELIEFS

On the other hand, I don't believe in compromising my beliefs in order to be politically correct. 

Because I believe the Bible is God-breathed, as a Christian, I can't treat it like a buffet where I only take what I want. Therefore I adhere to the traditional view of marriage, which could certainly make me some enemies.

Well, that puts me in good company then, doesn't it? Jesus had a few enemies I believe.

John 15:18 

 “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.

Sticking to our beliefs does not mean going around confronting those in the LGBT community. It means speaking the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15

Instead of getting stuck arguing about sexual sin or the definition of marriage ( There is no marriage in heaven anyway (Matthew 22:30) we need to focus on the bigger plan. God does not want anyone to perish.

The point is that in the end there is only one judge who matters.

4. ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE

I don't believe that the great commission (spreading the gospel) contains an "Only people like you" clause.

As a heterosexual, I cannot even imagine what it must be like growing up feeling sexually different or being told to deny my feelings. 

I can't imagine what it is like to be shunned by my family.

I can't imagine what it is like to be scared of the church.

My life has been blessed by gay friends and relatives in my life, and I can't imagine not having relationships with them.

Below are two links to helpful articles from The Christian Post on sharing the gospel with the LGBT community: How to Share Part 1; How to Share Part

I would love to hear from you! What is your experience? Please post below.

SOMEDAY I'LL GET THAT HUG

All I wanted for Christmas was something that I knew I couldn't have. That doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. 

I wish I could get a hug from my boys. If only they could step out of eternity for the briefest of moments and wrap their arms around me one more time.

When I meditate that is what I picture; that is what I feel—the strength of their young arms, the brush of Jarrod's curly hair, Chris whispering "Mommy Meatball" one last time.

I am grateful for Christmas with our daughter and grandkids. 

Skyla, Saradi, and me with our home-made gingerbread houses.

There is magic in young Skyla's eyes as she twirls her brand-new rainbow Barbie in the air.

But Bittersweet moments still rush into my head. I see young Chris beneath a long-ago tree with that same magic in his eyes as he opens his grandmom's gift, a giant box of matchbox cars.

Once, when Chris was lying in the hospital, his chemo pump growling beside him, I asked him to tell me one of his favorite memories.

The reply was not what I expected from a teenager. "Remember Mom, when I was in kindergarten we practiced my ABC's beneath the Christmas tree."

Now my older granddaughter, Saradi, is a teenager, and I am here for her in the present. Her love of bold colors and artsy patterns has skipped a generation. Her mom simply rolls her eyes as the two of us celebrate a pair of Bohemian patched pants.

Saradi and I can share Jarrod too. She was 10 when he died, and he was more like a brother than an uncle. Fishing trips and piggyback rides, I hope she never forgets.

Jarrod

 We can't help but mourn our other unborn grandchildren. Our boys would have been fabulous fathers. 

Our daughter, Erin, mourns her brother, her best friend, her unborn nieces and nephews.

If I let it Christmas can trigger paralyzing waves of PTSD. So my greatest present is to stay in the present. And to not forget the hope of glory.

Chris

Once, when Jarrod was about 11 we were talking about his brother, Chris, in heaven. "Yeah, I can't wait to go home too." Jarrod had said ironically, prophetically. He joined his brother at the age of 21.

I think of the little boy, Jesus. He knew he wasn't home either. He knew that he was born to die, to give us the true gift of Christmas. That's the magic in my longing eyes.

Jesus did Christmas in reverse. He started out with unimaginable piles of presents and left them all behind. 

He gave up perfection and traded it for pain and betrayal. He did it for 33 long years. 

He did that so I could get that hug someday.



Deuteronomy 33:27: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

3 WAYS TO HELP THE GRIEVING NAVIGATE THE HOLIDAYS

The holiday season is tricky at best for those who are grieving.

About ten minutes after Halloween the bombardment begins. Ads, music, lights, decorations, parties-they stab and poke at the hearts of those of us whose holidays will never be the same.

While we can't bring our loved one back there are specific things that we can do to help the grieving navigate the holidays.

#1 LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS

Do not make any demands on your grieving loved one. Family holiday traditions that once brought them comfort may be a source of pain right now. For several years after our Chris died, we went away at Christmas time. It was too painful to decorate the house and wake up on Christmas morning without him. Finally, we started decorating again with the help of our granddaughter and our other children.

Some people will gradually return to holiday activities, and some never will. Others will begin new traditions. You cannot impose any rules or timelines on them.

It's okay to let them know that you are thinking of them. Our first Christmas after our Jarrod went to be with the Lord his girlfriend brought over home-made cookies. We were able to enjoy them in the privacy of our home without having to dress up and show up somewhere with smiles plastered on our faces.

#2 GIVE GIFTS THAT HONOR THEIR MEMORIES

We have several Christmas ornaments given to us that contain photos of our children when they were small. These are precious to us now. They remind us of the gift of the years that we had together.

Our daughter Erin, and son, Chris, circa 1990

Our son, Chris, battled cancer for 4 years and we spent more than 200 nights at the Ronald McDonald House near the children's hospital where he was treated. After his passing thousands of dollars were donated in his name. It is edifying to know that other struggling families were blessed by Chris's memory.

Take the time to find out what charity or cause was closest to their heart and give accordingly. This is really a gift that you are giving to the survivors. You are helping them leave a legacy honoring their loved one.

#3 UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE LONELY

There is an intense loneliness that comes with grief. No one can fill the missing space held so uniquely by their loved one.

 Paradoxically, people who are lonely often isolate. We are avoiding having to deal with the world without our missing loved one. Don't take it personally if we aren't up for your invitation to get together. Don't take it personally if we don't call you back. However, we do appreciate your cards and messages.

The lens through which we view the world has been shattered. Until we assimilate a new one we may get stuck for a while. But even after we heal, we are still changed forever. Understand that we are in pain. And yes, even though we may act like we want to be left alone, we are still very lonely.

Unfortunately, this is a type of loneliness that can't be cured with social invitations. If your grieving friend wants to talk about the person they miss, please just listen. Talking about their loved one is the closest they are going to get to them for now. It reaffirms that they lived, they laughed, and they loved.

They may not be ready to talk, but when they are—be there. Allowing us to share memories is the greatest gift of all. You are helping us feel the presence of the one we long for.

Our son, Jarrod, shortly before he died in an accident

1 Corinthians 13:12 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.