About ten minutes after Halloween the bombardment begins. Ads, music, lights, decorations, parties-they stab and poke at the hearts of those of us whose holidays will never be the same.
While we can't bring our loved one back there are specific things that we can do to help the grieving navigate the holidays.
#1 LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS
Do not make any demands on your grieving loved one. Family holiday traditions that once brought them comfort may be a source of pain right now. For several years after our Chris died, we went away at Christmas time. It was too painful to decorate the house and wake up on Christmas morning without him. Finally, we started decorating again with the help of our granddaughter and our other children.
Some people will gradually return to holiday activities, and some never will. Others will begin new traditions. You cannot impose any rules or timelines on them.
It's okay to let them know that you are thinking of them. Our first Christmas after our Jarrod went to be with the Lord his girlfriend brought over home-made cookies. We were able to enjoy them in the privacy of our home without having to dress up and show up somewhere with smiles plastered on our faces.
#2 GIVE GIFTS THAT HONOR THEIR MEMORIES
We have several Christmas ornaments given to us that contain photos of our children when they were small. These are precious to us now. They remind us of the gift of the years that we had together.
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| Our daughter Erin, and son, Chris, circa 1990 |
Our son, Chris, battled cancer for 4 years and we spent more than 200 nights at the Ronald McDonald House near the children's hospital where he was treated. After his passing thousands of dollars were donated in his name. It is edifying to know that other struggling families were blessed by Chris's memory.
Take the time to find out what charity or cause was closest to their heart and give accordingly. This is really a gift that you are giving to the survivors. You are helping them leave a legacy honoring their loved one.
#3 UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE LONELY
There is an intense loneliness that comes with grief. No one can fill the missing space held so uniquely by their loved one.
Paradoxically, people who are lonely often isolate. We are avoiding having to deal with the world without our missing loved one. Don't take it personally if we aren't up for your invitation to get together. Don't take it personally if we don't call you back. However, we do appreciate your cards and messages.
The lens through which we view the world has been shattered. Until we assimilate a new one we may get stuck for a while. But even after we heal, we are still changed forever. Understand that we are in pain. And yes, even though we may act like we want to be left alone, we are still very lonely.
Unfortunately, this is a type of loneliness that can't be cured with social invitations. If your grieving friend wants to talk about the person they miss, please just listen. Talking about their loved one is the closest they are going to get to them for now. It reaffirms that they lived, they laughed, and they loved.
They may not be ready to talk, but when they are—be there. Allowing us to share memories is the greatest gift of all. You are helping us feel the presence of the one we long for.
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| Our son, Jarrod, shortly before he died in an accident |
1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
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