4 PRACTICAL TIPS FOR CARING FOR SIBLINGS OF A CHRONICALLY ILL CHILD

When our 10-year old Chris was diagnosed with cancer by necessity he often became the center of attention. However, all three of our children suddenly had parents who were a lot more stressed and who had less time for them.

           When a child is diagnosed with cancer or a life-changing condition the whole family is diagnosed.  Everyone is deeply affected. Sometimes the other healthy children can be overlooked. Here are a few practical tips for taking care of your other children and keeping the whole family sane.

Chris relaxing at home between treatments

1. MAKE SPECIFIC TIME FOR EACH CHILD

My husband, Rob, and I made it a point try to set aside specific, individual time for our other two children. Our daughter, Erin was 14 when Chris was diagnosed so she spent her entire high school career in the world of pediatric cancer. There were midnight trips to the hospital and missed school events. At the time, Erin was dancing in high school productions, and we mapped these out carefully on our calendar and made as many of them as possible. Erin got the message that her life was still important to us.

Our youngest, Jarrod, had needs that were much different than Erin’s. There was an eleven year age difference, and completely different personalities. Jarrod was our non-stop, action-packed, ADHD kid whose motor was always running. Sports were important to him. Taking him outside to run around for 10 or 20 minutes and praising him was the formula that worked for him. Jarrod also had a favorite bedtime book that I read to him every night.

2. ALLOW THEM TO MAINTAIN THEIR INTERESTS

We did everything in our power to make sure that our two children without cancer got to keep their lives. We learned that it was okay to ask for help with rides. We became grateful receivers of meals. This freed up more of our precious time. Rob and I were blessed to both have parents living in the area so sometimes it was a grandparent who cheered on the sidelines.

            If you are a single parent reading this you might be saying to yourself, "That's easy for you—you had a husband and parents!" This is where you can't be afraid to ask for help. If you belong to a church you already have a built-in support system. You will bless their lives by giving them the opportunity to be the helping hands in the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31

"Now you are Christ's body, and individually members of it. For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ."

 Supporting their activities gave us quality time with each of them as individuals. For Erin, it was often long conversations about her dance life. She wanted me to hear all about her friends and which ballet teachers were nice, and which ones weren’t. For Jarrod, it usually involved being outside tossing a ball around or clapping when he did tricks in the pool. Your other children will benefit enormously by just a few minutes of your focused attention. 

Our last family portrait taken shortly before Chris went to be with the Lord.

3. KEEP MEALTIME ROUTINES WHENEVER POSSIBLE

One of the most important ways that Rob and I supported our children was by continuing our habit of family dinners. (For more information on the benefits of family meals click here.) Sitting down at the table as a family enabled everyone to process what was going on and to have their questions answered. When Chris was too sick to come to the table we still ate with the others. When it was Rob’s turn with Chris at the hospital I tried my best to do this with Erin and Chris. This was an opportunity for them to say things that they wouldn’t say in front of Chris.

“Mom,” Erin complained one time, in that tone mastered only by teenagers, “How come I have to take out the trash now? That used to be Chris’s job?”

“I know honey, we’ve all had to make changes. Chris is just too sick now. Remember he has the hardest job of all. He has to take nasty medicine that makes him feel like he has the flu. He has to fight cancer. He’d trade places with you if he could and be a healthy kid who can do chores.” I tried to emphasize that we were a family team all working together, helping Chris survive.

     By making the effort to spend time with our healthy children they felt valued. This made it easier to motivate them to work together as a team. Did it work all the time? No, we had setbacks, emergencies, and many changes to plans, but we started each week over again committed to find as much normalcy as possible.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Finally, Rob and I supported our children by saving a little time for ourselves. By keeping our relationship healthy we were much better parents to our children. Too many other things in our lives had changed. We couldn’t let the kids see us torn apart too. 

 Let someone else sit with your sick child so you can spend an hour or two with your loved one, or even with yourself. In the long run, your children will end up receiving better care. They will have a parent who is more rested and focused.

   Be creative. The hospital where Chris was treated had a nearby neighborhood where I could jog. It also had a downtown with restaurants and coffee shops. A 30-minute escape sometimes made a world of difference.

It is not always possible to keep a normal routine when a life-threatening illness strikes a family. This is especially true if the nearest treatment center is far away. We had only an hour drive. Some of the families we met came from much farther away, even in other countries.

Sometimes the best that you can do is bring a favorite toy or bedtime book for your child that is not on treatment. Long periods away from home may force you to find new routines. A meal can be shared at a table anywhere.

     The Ronald McDonald House where we stayed had kitchens, playgrounds, libraries, movies, and video games. They also had special family events such as parties and picnics. Even if your child is hospitalized allow your other children to participate in events offered to you.

     Your child's social worker or clinic can provide you with a list of charities and organizations who exist solely to help people like you. Take advantage of them!

             Remember, accepting help makes it easier to take care of yourself and your other children. 

      A child’s heart is infinitely forgiving and adaptable. They will respond to focused attention and small moments of fun.