MY 3 PRAYERS FOR STONEMAN HIGH

The shooting brought it all back for me: the split second devastation, the sudden loss of a child, the incomprehensible shredding of a family. As a mother who belongs to this ever-growing fellowship of grief I offer my 3 most fervent prayers for the families, my brothers and sisters in despair.

1. A POSITIVE CHANNEL FOR YOUR ANGER:

Your anger is inevitable and undeniable. It is flaming and raw. To deny it is to stop being the loving parent that you are. "Why oh why, Lord? Where are you?" We say with clenched teeth and burning tears. Allow your anger to exist. Acknowledge it—don't gulp it back down inviting it to feast upon your soul.

After the death of our sons my husband, Rob, and I were two wounded creatures spinning, tottering, and thumping into each other. We had to learn to punch a pillow not each other. 

The survival rate of marriages after the death of a child is dismal, but not insurmountable. Read more. I believe many marriages fail because our anger becomes misdirected.

Dear families, I pray that your anger is directed purposefully. I pray that you use it to change laws, to help others, to run a marathon, to write a book, to raise awareness, to elect new leaders, to create memorial tributes. Click here to see what we are doing.

But until you figure that out remember that it is okay to scream and cry. Just try not to do it to each other. God knows you are pissed. Yell at Him instead.

Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

2. FREEDOM FROM GUILT

I pray that you don't blame yourselves. Our version was: "I should have kept that lunch date. It's my fault." Don't believe the lies of our enemy, the destroyer. "I shouldn't have sent her to that school." "I shouldn't have had that argument." "I didn't say I love you enough—I was a bad parent." That is the voice of Satan, stabbing, jabbing, lying.

Eph 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes."

The truth is, if you are parents like us, you did the best that you could, and your child knew it. He still knows it.


3. COMFORT

My third and final prayer for you, dear families, is one of comfort. This may seem unattainable right now. I pray that the Lord( even if you don't believe in Him) brings to your mind those moments of joy and reassurance that you need right now.

Let me tell you about the death of our first son, Chris. Unlike your child he died slowly. Cancer ended his life at the age of 14. One of the last things he said to us was. "I won't be bald anymore. I'll be buff again and get my six pack back. I'll be with Jesus." His faith and humor has brought us great comfort in the years since his passing.

Our other son, Jarrod, died suddenly like your child. He was 21. He woke up in his room, rumpled clothes on the floor, texting his girlfriend, dashed out the door, and never came back. One minute his laughter filled our home, and the next moment our house became an empty chamber.

Jarrod did not die in an act of violence, so I can't even pretend to know what that is like. He was killed in an underwater speargun accident. It was a Co2 powered weapon that should never have been sold to a non-commercial fisherman. It had the power to send a spear through his skull. So, I share your anguish regarding our country's grossly negligent laws.

Stoneman families, I hold a special love for you because we share this unfair burden together. Why couldn't we have more time?

Despite the senselessness of it all, I draw comfort from one of Jarrod's last conversations. His girlfriend called a few days after the funeral and said, "The last time we spoke Jarrod told me that he felt really at peace with God." 

That is my prayer for all of you in this time of anguish. May you receive dreams and messages of comfort about your child. I pray that friends, family, and teachers share special moments with you. I pray that loving ears hear your cries. May you see the brightness of your child's life and feel the hope of eternity.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."    Matthew 5:4

Dear Marjory Stoneman Douglas High Families(or anyone else who has lost your loved one) if it brings you comfort to tell me about your child(or spouse) please post a comment below. 
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MY WINNING THREE R'S OF SOBRIETY

My Winning 3 R’s of Sobriety

We unplugged our 21 year old son. He would never wake up, do his silly impersonations, or discuss eternity with me again. Yet, I had no desire to drink.

I had endured the death of his older brother years before, the loss of a family business, and addiction struggles with other family members.  Through most of it I had no desire to drink.

“How do you do it?” People ask. I could say, “I let God do it for me.” Or, “I work the steps.” And while those responses are essentially true, they do get me thinking. Exactly how would I break down my success(at least for today) at staying sober through adversity?

Here are my  3 R’s of Sobriety:

1.    Reaching Out: This is when we open up and tell on ourselves. “Yes, I want to kill my boss.” Or “I’m scared about these changes.” This is when we go to coffee for the meeting after the meeting, especially when we don’t feel like it. This is when we make those phone calls we have been putting off, ask someone to sponsor us, or reach out to the newcomer even if we are tired or our dog is at home waiting for us. There is a wonderful by-product of this first “R”. It is new and wonderful relationships.

Reaching out works both ways. Sometimes we are the "reacher", and other times we are the "reachee". It doesn’t matter how much time we have. We have to spend time playing both roles.

I recently spent two months away from my home group. I was in an unfamiliar town, dealing with a stressful family situation. After I shared a little about myself and my grief, a member of the group opened up for the first time about his daughter that he had lost the year before. There is the magic—in helping myself I had helped someone else.

2.     Routine: We must establish and maintain our sobriety routine. This is where the phrase “Meeting makers make it” comes from. This is also why we hear, “He relapsed because he quit going to meetings.” When we were caught up in our addictions we had routines and rituals. The same happens when we get ‘caught up’ in our sobriety.

Our routines form the backbone of our commitment. It isn’t just going to meetings. My routines also include saying the seventh step prayer and the third step prayer every day. It includes talking to my sponsor and my circle of sober friends on a regular basis. Fulfilling service commitments is probably the single most fulfilling routine that there is.

I am probably not going to drink or use if I know that Tuesday morning at 8 AM there is a room full of newly sober folks at a rehab waiting for me to bring them a meeting.

 During my time out of state I quickly found local meetings there and established my home away from home routines. They nicknamed me 'Sarasota' and teased me about not bringing warmer weather with me.

3. Relying on God: This anchors my 3 R’s. I never forget that the goal of my program is to find a power greater than myself that can relieve me of my alcoholism. But finding Him isn’t enough. I have to find ways to connect with that power and to use it. What good is an electrical outlet if nothing is plugged in?

This is accomplished through surrender and faith. Those are two concepts that have been very challenging for me. The steps give me guidelines for doing this, but ultimately, I must find my own individual relationship with God.

I have built time with the Lord into my routine, and I hear his voice when others are reaching out.

Another way I have learned to rely on God is by attaching myself to people who are better at it than I am and imitating what they do. If I have my other two R's firmly in place, then this isn't hard to do.

Do I have spiritual dry spells? Of course! When I'm not feeling a God consciousness I still stick to my routines. Or I may reach out and tell someone I am struggling. Sometimes my 3R triangle of sobriety becomes lopsided when I lean a bit to one side, but it eventually evens out.

How about you? What are some examples of your 3 R's? How do you reach out? What routines do you embrace? How do you rely on God?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6