4 PRACTICAL TIPS FOR CARING FOR SIBLINGS OF A CHRONICALLY ILL CHILD

When our 10-year old Chris was diagnosed with cancer by necessity he often became the center of attention. However, all three of our children suddenly had parents who were a lot more stressed and who had less time for them.

           When a child is diagnosed with cancer or a life-changing condition the whole family is diagnosed.  Everyone is deeply affected. Sometimes the other healthy children can be overlooked. Here are a few practical tips for taking care of your other children and keeping the whole family sane.

Chris relaxing at home between treatments

1. MAKE SPECIFIC TIME FOR EACH CHILD

My husband, Rob, and I made it a point try to set aside specific, individual time for our other two children. Our daughter, Erin was 14 when Chris was diagnosed so she spent her entire high school career in the world of pediatric cancer. There were midnight trips to the hospital and missed school events. At the time, Erin was dancing in high school productions, and we mapped these out carefully on our calendar and made as many of them as possible. Erin got the message that her life was still important to us.

Our youngest, Jarrod, had needs that were much different than Erin’s. There was an eleven year age difference, and completely different personalities. Jarrod was our non-stop, action-packed, ADHD kid whose motor was always running. Sports were important to him. Taking him outside to run around for 10 or 20 minutes and praising him was the formula that worked for him. Jarrod also had a favorite bedtime book that I read to him every night.

2. ALLOW THEM TO MAINTAIN THEIR INTERESTS

We did everything in our power to make sure that our two children without cancer got to keep their lives. We learned that it was okay to ask for help with rides. We became grateful receivers of meals. This freed up more of our precious time. Rob and I were blessed to both have parents living in the area so sometimes it was a grandparent who cheered on the sidelines.

            If you are a single parent reading this you might be saying to yourself, "That's easy for you—you had a husband and parents!" This is where you can't be afraid to ask for help. If you belong to a church you already have a built-in support system. You will bless their lives by giving them the opportunity to be the helping hands in the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31

"Now you are Christ's body, and individually members of it. For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ."

 Supporting their activities gave us quality time with each of them as individuals. For Erin, it was often long conversations about her dance life. She wanted me to hear all about her friends and which ballet teachers were nice, and which ones weren’t. For Jarrod, it usually involved being outside tossing a ball around or clapping when he did tricks in the pool. Your other children will benefit enormously by just a few minutes of your focused attention. 

Our last family portrait taken shortly before Chris went to be with the Lord.

3. KEEP MEALTIME ROUTINES WHENEVER POSSIBLE

One of the most important ways that Rob and I supported our children was by continuing our habit of family dinners. (For more information on the benefits of family meals click here.) Sitting down at the table as a family enabled everyone to process what was going on and to have their questions answered. When Chris was too sick to come to the table we still ate with the others. When it was Rob’s turn with Chris at the hospital I tried my best to do this with Erin and Chris. This was an opportunity for them to say things that they wouldn’t say in front of Chris.

“Mom,” Erin complained one time, in that tone mastered only by teenagers, “How come I have to take out the trash now? That used to be Chris’s job?”

“I know honey, we’ve all had to make changes. Chris is just too sick now. Remember he has the hardest job of all. He has to take nasty medicine that makes him feel like he has the flu. He has to fight cancer. He’d trade places with you if he could and be a healthy kid who can do chores.” I tried to emphasize that we were a family team all working together, helping Chris survive.

     By making the effort to spend time with our healthy children they felt valued. This made it easier to motivate them to work together as a team. Did it work all the time? No, we had setbacks, emergencies, and many changes to plans, but we started each week over again committed to find as much normalcy as possible.

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Finally, Rob and I supported our children by saving a little time for ourselves. By keeping our relationship healthy we were much better parents to our children. Too many other things in our lives had changed. We couldn’t let the kids see us torn apart too. 

 Let someone else sit with your sick child so you can spend an hour or two with your loved one, or even with yourself. In the long run, your children will end up receiving better care. They will have a parent who is more rested and focused.

   Be creative. The hospital where Chris was treated had a nearby neighborhood where I could jog. It also had a downtown with restaurants and coffee shops. A 30-minute escape sometimes made a world of difference.

It is not always possible to keep a normal routine when a life-threatening illness strikes a family. This is especially true if the nearest treatment center is far away. We had only an hour drive. Some of the families we met came from much farther away, even in other countries.

Sometimes the best that you can do is bring a favorite toy or bedtime book for your child that is not on treatment. Long periods away from home may force you to find new routines. A meal can be shared at a table anywhere.

     The Ronald McDonald House where we stayed had kitchens, playgrounds, libraries, movies, and video games. They also had special family events such as parties and picnics. Even if your child is hospitalized allow your other children to participate in events offered to you.

     Your child's social worker or clinic can provide you with a list of charities and organizations who exist solely to help people like you. Take advantage of them!

             Remember, accepting help makes it easier to take care of yourself and your other children. 

      A child’s heart is infinitely forgiving and adaptable. They will respond to focused attention and small moments of fun.

4 GIFTS THAT MOM GAVE US

      This blog is for anyone who has lost a beloved mother. 

     How do you say goodbye to the person who has loved you unconditionally since the moment you were born?

      I think the first thing we do is realize that it isn’t really goodbye. It’s farewell until we are all together again in the house of the Lord. My mother passed away a few days ago and I want to celebrate the gifts that she gave us.

1. FAMILY VALUES

Mom gave us the gift of strong family values. She anchored our family with loving structure and home-cooked meals. We sat down at the table together every night for dinner. We each had our own place at the table and that security eventually helped us find our own places in the world.

1968: Mom in the background with the 4 of us kids. I am in the sailor hat.

      Every Sunday morning before church we woke up to the sound of Irish music playing and the smell of bacon cooking. My husband, Rob, and I raised our 3 children in church and we ate dinners together as a family, even as it was rapidly going out of style. I believe that those two practices: joining a church and sharing meals together are the backbone of family life.

       In my long career as a teacher, I often urged my families to break bread together, to give their kids a chance to process their day and to problem solve.

      Cell phones need to go in a bin. Life's challenges need to be addressed from a Christian perspective. There also needs to be time for laughter and celebrating each family member's uniqueness. I am grateful for that background. 

      If this doesn't sound like your family, it is NEVER too late to start. 

2. LOVE

 Mom gave us the gift of love. I remember one time when I was little sitting on the floor with friends watching TV. (Back then it was 3 channels and rabbit ears!) Mom swooped into the room and announced, “I’m collecting kisses!” She went around the room hugging and kissing everyone. Our home was a neighborhood hangout where everyone was welcome. 

            Love makes a heart sensitive. I will never forget my younger sister, Maureen’s christening party. I was five years old and I watched with childish envy as my baby sister’s pile of gifts grew taller and taller. In my young mind’s eye, the stack of presents reached all the way to the ceiling. Then, after everyone left Mom turned to me and smiled. “Honey, you pick out whatever you want and it’s yours.” I still remember that white stuffed lamb.

       Such a seemingly small act of kindness in an adult's eyes is usually a big deal for a child.

3. FAITH

Thinking of that little stuffed lamb I can’t help but draw a parallel to our Lord giving us His son, His perfect white lamb. Mom’s greatest gift to us—her gift of faith. We saw her pray daily, and she taught us to be grateful for what the Lord had given us. A number of years ago Mom took Maureen and me to a holy site. Seeing people come together from all over the world to pray had a huge impact on me. I felt the power of the holy spirit. That connection would become my anchor in later years when my family and I experienced great challenges.

          Whenever we faced difficulties Mom was fond of saying, “Offer it up.” This became a family catchphrase over the years, and Mom would laugh when we would imitate her saying it. Mom could always laugh at herself. We all inherited Mom’s gift of humor.

4. HUMOR

 

    Humor was such a huge part of our family life.

One of our favorite stories is the time when our family was young and we had just moved to a new area. Mom’s car broke down and she became quite flustered. She called Dad and described everything in detail including what she was wearing. Dad, in his usual deadpan manner, replied, “Well, Honey, why don’t you stand on the roof of the car and wave so I know it’s you.” As the years went by Mom loved poking fun at herself by telling that story.

         By showing us children that she could laugh at herself Mom taught us not to take ourselves too seriously.

One of our favorite family tales is the one about the bald cake. Mom’s dear friend, Shirley, baked a cake for her birthday and brought it over to our house a day early. Big mistake. Well, our inquisitive little selves couldn’t help but peek under the cake dish. There it was, the creamiest most exquisite strawberry icing known to man. Surely, one little finger swipe wouldn’t be noticed?  Mmmm was it good! Well, you can imagine the damage done by four little sets of fingers over the course of 24 sneaky hours. We even lifted off the top layer and scraped the icing in between before nonchalantly putting it back.

 When Mom lifted the lid the next day she gasped in horror. All that remained of the icing was a few pinkish finger tread marks. It wasn’t long before Mom’s initial anger gave way to humor, and she ended up telling the story to all of her friends.

My favorite memories are bringing my children up from Florida to visit Mom and Dad and to see snow. One time when my Chris was about six my Florida boy wanted to make some ice. So we poured water into a Dixie cup and set it out on the porch. Well, the weather didn’t cooperate. It didn’t go below freezing. So Mom and I decided to help mother-nature along a little. When Chris was in bed we poured out the water and put an ice cube in the cup. When Chris saw the ice cube the next morning he exclaimed, “So that’s where they come from.”

During the past months as Mom declined, she asked us to tell her all of the stories that we never dared to share when we were young. So we told her about playing in the drainage pipes below a major highway, climbing on rooves at construction sites, and jumping off of our neighbor's roof into their sandbox. Mom laughed with love in her eyes.

I realize that I grew up more privileged than most. We had a Mom and a Dad that loved us, and a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. Perhaps you are a struggling single parent or a victim of abuse. Maybe you have no foundation to build upon.

         Remember, with God nothing is impossible. I have seen it with my own eyes.

 You can be like my mom and leave a legacy of love, laughter, and faith.

Proverbs 22:6 says it best:

  Train up a child in the way he should go,
^[And when he is old he will not depart from it.

        Mom, we know where we came from, and thanks to your example, we know where we are going.

        Thank you for being our mom.

        Do you have a story about your mom? Please share it!