MY FOUR UNIVERSAL TRUTHS FROM THE MOVIE MIDNIGHT SUN

Sometimes my grief builds up inside of me like an over-inflated balloon. I need to let a few tears escape before everything pops and makes a mess.

That's what the new movie, Midnight Sun, does for me. It gently allows me to acknowledge my grief, and also to remember a few universal truths.

Midnight Sun, starring Bella Thorne as Katie and Patrick Swarzenegger as Charlie, is a fictional tale about a very real disease. In the story Katie is a high school senior living with XP(xeroderma pigmentosum) a genetic disorder that makes exposure to sunlight life threatening. Most patients do not live past the age of 20.

Katie must spend her days indoors, only venturing out at night. She grows up behind windows shielded by ultraviolet resistant film, watching the world go by.

Her life is made bearable by a tender, humorous, and creative dad, Jack, played by Rob Riggle. He is a widower who home schools Katie and encourages her in her music.

One evening Katie meets a young man that she had always admired through the window. But their unexpected encounter leaves her flustered, and she dashes off like Cinderella. Instead of a slipper she leaves behind a notebook which enables Charlie to track her down.

The ensuing romance is predictable, yet moving. All of their dates are at night, and Katie struggles with telling him the truth. "I want to be a person not a disease." She says.

My first universal truth: Kids need time to just be kids. 

During my son's four year battle with leukemia I remember him expressing the same sentiment.  When Chris was in remission I was given strict orders not to tell anyone on his soccer team that he had cancer. Like Kate, being a normal kid was all that he wanted.

In the movie, when Kate first realizes that she is dying, she withdraws from Charlie. But her father wisely realizes their need to be together, and invites him over. They eat popcorn, watch movies, and laugh. 

When Chris came home from the hospital for the last time he said, "I want to lay on the sofa in the family room. Have everyone sit around me and just have normal conversations."

The quest for normalcy in films such as Midnight Sun gives us a valuable reminder of what really matters in life. Even as more tears escape from my grief balloon I remain grateful for the quality of the time that I had with Chris, and with his brother,Jarrod, who also died very young.

 If you know someone who is seriously ill the greatest gift that you can give them is a few hours, or even a few moments, of being normal. If that person is a child—just play with them!

My second universal truth: When you spend time with the dying, something transformational happens. You think that you are creating a special moment for them, but it becomes a gift that you give yourself.

When my dear friend, Lisa, watched her best friend succumbing to cancer she took her to swim with the dolphins. It became a defining moment in Lisa's life. It was the birth of The Infinite Wishes Foundation, which grants wishes to seriously ill adults. Click here for more info.

I think my defining moment came when I took my Florida boy to the mountains to play in the snow. It was his last time in remission.We were sledding as the sun was setting, turning the snow into colorful crystals. Chris paused at the peak of the slope and said to me, "I'm glad you're my mom."

My third universal truth: Love has risks, but it's worth it.

Like my love for my boys, the love between Charlie and Katie seems timeless.  They remain forever young in our memories. Their pure, untainted love makes me me grateful that I have the unconditional love of a good man. He tells me that I am just as beautiful now as I was at 19 when he met me. Yeah, I know, love is blind, but he actually means it! That thought squeezes out a few more tears.

As the movie ends we know that Charlie is forever changed for the better because of his love for Katie.

There is also a hint of eternity in the film. Katie tells Charlie that he can look up at the stars and talk to him. Chris told me that too. A few more tears trickle out.

My fourth universal truth: At some point everyone thinks about the hereafter.

Midnight Sun doesn't mention God. Those of us who are believers can fill in the blanks. But what about those of you who aren't sure? Did the loss of your loved one make you doubt? It is understandable if it did. I would love to hear from you.

But here I am, a mom who has lived through a Midnight Sun twice, and I still believe.

I believe that there is a longing for eternity in each of our hearts, and I don't mean religion. I mean relationship. We long for a relationship with the Lord, and we see glimpses of His perfection when the Kates and the Chrises share their beauty.

The bible promises us that Jesus settled the score for our sins, and in His time, He will make it right on earth too. We will get our kids back.

To read a thought provoking commentary by Billy Graham click here.

In the end of the movie Kate finally has her moment in the sun. She and Charlie share a sailboat ride into the sunset. Katie gets her wish to feel the sunlight on her face.

That's what bittersweet tales like Midnight Sun do for us. We cry, but we get to feel the sun on our face.

Tell me what you think. What is your truth?

3 STRATEGIES FOR LIVING WITH DEPRESSION

He went to bed for 3 months, living on protein drinks, only getting up to go to the bathroom. My husband was in his dark night of the soul. We had just buried our second, and only remaining son.  His sudden, unexpected death thrust both of us into PTSD. Antidepressants and therapy weren't cutting it. I was powerless over his depression.

Because I was working, shopping, and functioning, I often found myself in the position of being his caretaker. My own grief was pushed aside, and anger replaced it.

Do you live with someone who suffers from chronic or acute depression? There are things that you can do for yourself to prevent your loved one from grabbing you and pulling you down with them. It doesn't matter if the depression is  medically diagnosed or situational like ours.

1. Take Care of Yourself

• Keep up with your hobbies and interests.
• Continue socializing even if you have to do it without your partner.
• Find help. Here are a few good resources:  Family Caregiver alliance, AARP, Caregiver Action Network. 
• Continue healthy eating and exercising habits.

If your depressed family member is a child, it is especially important to seek help. Click here for a helpful article from Thewholechild.com.

2. Set Boundaries

• Don't do things for them that they are truly able to do for themselves.
• Don't allow them to traumatize you by reliving an unpleasant event over and over. It is OKAY to walk away.
• If you are estranged insist on reuniting only with professional help.
• If possible don't allow them to monopolize all of your time and attention.
• Do not accept abusive behavior.

3. Forgive them

• Remember that they are sick.
• Let go of false expectations.
• Ask God to help you see them through His eyes.
• Pray for them.

Ephesians 4:2-3: "With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

 For those of you dealing with mood disorders click here for a helpful article from Families For Depression Awareness.

My husband has slowly started participating in life again, but neither of us will ever be the same. There is a level of acceptance that must come with severe loss. The battered vet knows he will never see his comrades again in this life. The parents of shooting victims will never forget that their beloved child isn't going to walk through the door and ask what's for dinner.

By following the suggestions above, I have reclaimed a sense of normalcy. I involve myself in helping others whenever I can, so that while I can't always help my hubby's outlook, I can make a difference in the lives of others. This helps to neutralize the negative impact that his depression has on me. I wrote about this in a recent blog post.Click here to read more.

Those of us walking in faith know that mental healing is coming our way.

Revelation 21:4 "and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

Do you live with depression? What has helped you? Please share your comments below. I would love to share your story in a future post.

MY 3 PRAYERS FOR STONEMAN HIGH

The shooting brought it all back for me: the split second devastation, the sudden loss of a child, the incomprehensible shredding of a family. As a mother who belongs to this ever-growing fellowship of grief I offer my 3 most fervent prayers for the families, my brothers and sisters in despair.

1. A POSITIVE CHANNEL FOR YOUR ANGER:

Your anger is inevitable and undeniable. It is flaming and raw. To deny it is to stop being the loving parent that you are. "Why oh why, Lord? Where are you?" We say with clenched teeth and burning tears. Allow your anger to exist. Acknowledge it—don't gulp it back down inviting it to feast upon your soul.

After the death of our sons my husband, Rob, and I were two wounded creatures spinning, tottering, and thumping into each other. We had to learn to punch a pillow not each other. 

The survival rate of marriages after the death of a child is dismal, but not insurmountable. Read more. I believe many marriages fail because our anger becomes misdirected.

Dear families, I pray that your anger is directed purposefully. I pray that you use it to change laws, to help others, to run a marathon, to write a book, to raise awareness, to elect new leaders, to create memorial tributes. Click here to see what we are doing.

But until you figure that out remember that it is okay to scream and cry. Just try not to do it to each other. God knows you are pissed. Yell at Him instead.

Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

2. FREEDOM FROM GUILT

I pray that you don't blame yourselves. Our version was: "I should have kept that lunch date. It's my fault." Don't believe the lies of our enemy, the destroyer. "I shouldn't have sent her to that school." "I shouldn't have had that argument." "I didn't say I love you enough—I was a bad parent." That is the voice of Satan, stabbing, jabbing, lying.

Eph 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes."

The truth is, if you are parents like us, you did the best that you could, and your child knew it. He still knows it.


3. COMFORT

My third and final prayer for you, dear families, is one of comfort. This may seem unattainable right now. I pray that the Lord( even if you don't believe in Him) brings to your mind those moments of joy and reassurance that you need right now.

Let me tell you about the death of our first son, Chris. Unlike your child he died slowly. Cancer ended his life at the age of 14. One of the last things he said to us was. "I won't be bald anymore. I'll be buff again and get my six pack back. I'll be with Jesus." His faith and humor has brought us great comfort in the years since his passing.

Our other son, Jarrod, died suddenly like your child. He was 21. He woke up in his room, rumpled clothes on the floor, texting his girlfriend, dashed out the door, and never came back. One minute his laughter filled our home, and the next moment our house became an empty chamber.

Jarrod did not die in an act of violence, so I can't even pretend to know what that is like. He was killed in an underwater speargun accident. It was a Co2 powered weapon that should never have been sold to a non-commercial fisherman. It had the power to send a spear through his skull. So, I share your anguish regarding our country's grossly negligent laws.

Stoneman families, I hold a special love for you because we share this unfair burden together. Why couldn't we have more time?

Despite the senselessness of it all, I draw comfort from one of Jarrod's last conversations. His girlfriend called a few days after the funeral and said, "The last time we spoke Jarrod told me that he felt really at peace with God." 

That is my prayer for all of you in this time of anguish. May you receive dreams and messages of comfort about your child. I pray that friends, family, and teachers share special moments with you. I pray that loving ears hear your cries. May you see the brightness of your child's life and feel the hope of eternity.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."    Matthew 5:4

Dear Marjory Stoneman Douglas High Families(or anyone else who has lost your loved one) if it brings you comfort to tell me about your child(or spouse) please post a comment below. 
.

MY WINNING THREE R'S OF SOBRIETY

My Winning 3 R’s of Sobriety

We unplugged our 21 year old son. He would never wake up, do his silly impersonations, or discuss eternity with me again. Yet, I had no desire to drink.

I had endured the death of his older brother years before, the loss of a family business, and addiction struggles with other family members.  Through most of it I had no desire to drink.

“How do you do it?” People ask. I could say, “I let God do it for me.” Or, “I work the steps.” And while those responses are essentially true, they do get me thinking. Exactly how would I break down my success(at least for today) at staying sober through adversity?

Here are my  3 R’s of Sobriety:

1.    Reaching Out: This is when we open up and tell on ourselves. “Yes, I want to kill my boss.” Or “I’m scared about these changes.” This is when we go to coffee for the meeting after the meeting, especially when we don’t feel like it. This is when we make those phone calls we have been putting off, ask someone to sponsor us, or reach out to the newcomer even if we are tired or our dog is at home waiting for us. There is a wonderful by-product of this first “R”. It is new and wonderful relationships.

Reaching out works both ways. Sometimes we are the "reacher", and other times we are the "reachee". It doesn’t matter how much time we have. We have to spend time playing both roles.

I recently spent two months away from my home group. I was in an unfamiliar town, dealing with a stressful family situation. After I shared a little about myself and my grief, a member of the group opened up for the first time about his daughter that he had lost the year before. There is the magic—in helping myself I had helped someone else.

2.     Routine: We must establish and maintain our sobriety routine. This is where the phrase “Meeting makers make it” comes from. This is also why we hear, “He relapsed because he quit going to meetings.” When we were caught up in our addictions we had routines and rituals. The same happens when we get ‘caught up’ in our sobriety.

Our routines form the backbone of our commitment. It isn’t just going to meetings. My routines also include saying the seventh step prayer and the third step prayer every day. It includes talking to my sponsor and my circle of sober friends on a regular basis. Fulfilling service commitments is probably the single most fulfilling routine that there is.

I am probably not going to drink or use if I know that Tuesday morning at 8 AM there is a room full of newly sober folks at a rehab waiting for me to bring them a meeting.

 During my time out of state I quickly found local meetings there and established my home away from home routines. They nicknamed me 'Sarasota' and teased me about not bringing warmer weather with me.

3. Relying on God: This anchors my 3 R’s. I never forget that the goal of my program is to find a power greater than myself that can relieve me of my alcoholism. But finding Him isn’t enough. I have to find ways to connect with that power and to use it. What good is an electrical outlet if nothing is plugged in?

This is accomplished through surrender and faith. Those are two concepts that have been very challenging for me. The steps give me guidelines for doing this, but ultimately, I must find my own individual relationship with God.

I have built time with the Lord into my routine, and I hear his voice when others are reaching out.

Another way I have learned to rely on God is by attaching myself to people who are better at it than I am and imitating what they do. If I have my other two R's firmly in place, then this isn't hard to do.

Do I have spiritual dry spells? Of course! When I'm not feeling a God consciousness I still stick to my routines. Or I may reach out and tell someone I am struggling. Sometimes my 3R triangle of sobriety becomes lopsided when I lean a bit to one side, but it eventually evens out.

How about you? What are some examples of your 3 R's? How do you reach out? What routines do you embrace? How do you rely on God?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

FAMILY ART SHARES A JOYFUL GRIEF

It all started with a hurricane named Katrina.The children at North Bay Elementary in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi no longer had a place to play. A group of fireman who had been first responders at 911 volunteered to build them a new playground.This was the birth of the "Where Angels Play Foundation". (See featured post at right.)

 Since then they have built 47 playgrounds up and down the east coast, Canada, and even one in Rwanda. Most of the playgrounds have been built in memory of children who died much too young. These projects include 26 playgrounds erected in memory of the Sandy Hook victims.

Many of the playgrounds feature art created by the children: 

Playground in Ocean City, N.J. in memory of Sandy Hook victim, Benjamin Wheeler.

Playground number 48 is scheduled to be built in Sarasota, Florida, in April. It is being built in memory of our boys, Chris, who passed at age 14 from cancer, and his younger brother, Jarrod, who died in an accident at age 21. To have our children associated with this tremendous act of love is an indescribable honor. Click here for more info.

So, like the other parents we were invited to contribute art for our playground. But as we dug through our boys' childhood drawings most of what we found were battle scenes with flaming tanks and smoking airplanes plummeting through the sky. Typical boy stuff, but not quite appropriate for a peaceful playground.

Being an artist, I set out to create a fitting memorial for our boys. For Chris, it would be feathers. In my book Christopher's Journey there is a chapter entitled "A Feather Under My Pillow" which tells that magical story. Read more. Chris also had a huge collection of Star Wars Legos. This inspired my first drawing:

Psalm 91:4: He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Then I had a wonderful idea. Why not invite family members to contribute their art ?! One of my husband, Rob's, favorite memories with Chris was a beautiful day at sea when they caught a hammerhead shark. (Of course they threw it back.) To commemorate that occasion our granddaughter, Saradi, sketched this:

Our Jarrod was a gifted athlete. So our nephew, Sean, drew this image honoring Jarrod's prowess on his bike:

My sister, Maureen, had several unusual butterfly encounters after the boys went to be with the Lord:

Perhaps most touching of all was our eight year old granddaughter, Skyla's, tribute to Uncle Jarrod's love of fishing and all things aquatic:

You gotta love those lips!

It has been my immense pleasure to integrate these drawings, and more, into a completed design. The final image will be a two color etching displayed at our playground that will be unveiled in April. I can't wait to share it with you!

 Perhaps you too are grieving and have family members who are able to express their love in some creative way:

• Woodworking
• Quilting
• Gardening
• Collage
• Poetry
• Mural
• Sculpture
• Scrapbooking
• Music

For more ideas click here.

As for my family and myself we count ourselves grateful that our project is one that will benefit our entire community and connect us with other grieving families around the world. Best of all our artwork will be bathed in the laughter of children.

Exodus 35:35 ESV / 

He has filled them with skill to do every sort of work done by an engraver or by a designer or by an embroiderer in blue and purple and scarlet yarns and fine twined linen, or by a weaver—by any sort of workman or skilled designer

Have you designed memorial art? I would love to see it. Did this blog post inspire you to create? Tell us about it. I would enjoy sharing your projects in a future blog.

AT 81 SHE MARRIED THE BOY NEXT DOOR

I've heard people say, "It's such a shame that youth is wasted on the young." Wouldn't we all love to have a 25 year old body along with the seasoned mind of a wise elder? That's what it will be like for all of us in heaven.

2 Cor 5:2  "We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing."

My parents came from the "greatest generation", the World War II generation. They were married for over 40 years before my Dad passed away. They never fell out of love. They weren't perfect; they had arguments, but they knew the secrets of a long term relationship.

1 Cor 13:7: "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

I learned more from the way my parents argued than from the way they made up. They always attacked the problem not each other.

Their other big secret : Laugh at yourself. When my Dad screwed something up, and my mom was annoyed he'd say "If I were you I wouldn't ask me to do that again." And they would both laugh.

When my Dad died my mom was lonely and lost. So who would ever imagine that she'd find a twilight romance right next door? One door over lived Ed, whose wife, Carol,had passed away also. It started with a shared ride to church and blossomed from there.

Now, married almost eight years, they are loving each other through health issues common in the elderly. Mom has trouble walking, so Ed can be her legs. Ed has mild dementia, so Mom reminds him to take his medicine. Every morning he says "Good morning Mrs. Britt, I love you." And she responds, "I love you, Mr. Britt." Like my Dad before him. Ed refers to Mom  as "his bride".

They both got it right in their first marriages, so they transferred that mutual mindset to this relationship. But the most important reason their marriage works is because there are really three of them: Ed, Inez, and The Lord.

1 John 4:12: “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

The courage, humor, and tenacity with which these two face the challenges of aging is truly inspirational. Getting across the house with her walker is a marathon for Mom. She grimaces in pain, but doesn't complain. I want to dig through my closet and award her one of my old 26.2 medals.

 Ed just chuckled the other day when I sat on the TV remote and no one could figure out how to get the picture back. I was ready to pitch it across the room in frustration, but how could I with such an example of patience sitting before me?

In this era, where couples don't commit to marriage anymore and everyone is either buried in their phones or in a hurry to scurry somewhere else, there is much to be learned from their example.

I think that the Lord has honored both them for their life-long commitment to Him by blessing them with each other in this winter of their lives. 

The drifts are piled high outside, but the fire burns warmly inside.

CRUISING SOBER

A number of years ago, back in my lushful days, I sat in our cruise cabin(large cocktail in hand), gazing at the daily schedule.  I spotted a meeting listed  for 'Friends of Bill W.' "What is that?" I asked my husband.

"That's an AA meeting." He replied.

"Oh, those poor people!" I gasped. "Imagine going on a cruise and not drinking." Back then I really couldn't imagine not drinking on vacation. In those days a cruise ship was a giant vessel filled with bars, fruity drink specials, and an epaulet clad designated driver.

Nowadays, cruising for us is an entirely different experience. No more bed spins enhanced by a wavy ocean. No more passing out after dinner and missing the show. And best of all—no more drama. 

We recently returned from a lovely 7 night Eastern Caribbean Cruise. This was our second time traveling with a sober group, "The 2nd Annual Gratitude at Sea Cruise." On board we enjoyed meetings, workshops, fellowship at dinner, and great company on shore excursions.

Imagine bringing your best friends with you on vacation. Not the ones you have to associate with because you work with them, or because you happen to be related. No, true friends who care about you, people you don't have to impress. 

There are several advantages to traveling with a group in recovery. One is having your own built in support group. If the sound of the blender at the Lido Deck bar starts my brain churning I have the cabin numbers of shipmates who will be more than happy to help me play that tape to the end.

The truth is, I'm rarely tempted. If I were I simply wouldn't go. So if you are in your first weeks or months of sobriety a cruise might not be for you. 

Another advantage of traveling with sober friends is the instant connection. How many times have you heard folks newly returned from a trip say, "We met these wonderful people..."? On our cruise it felt like we had brought all of the wonderful people with us.This connection comes from being with others who are actively working a spiritual program. Instead of sitting on bar stools lying and crying, grasping at superficial relationships, we share our deepest thoughts in a nonjudgmental atmosphere.

Hebrews 10:24-25 "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another..."

 Also, being with a group in recovery ensures that people will actually show up at the shipboard meetings. A common complaint of sober cruisers is that the meetings are tiny, and sometimes unattended. We were able to work with our travel agent, who happens to be my husband, to schedule all of our on board activities at times that suited our needs.

My favorite reason for cruising with a sober group is that it is just plain fun. Some of the activities that I have enjoyed on my 2 sober cruises include renting motorized bikes in Cozumel, hiking to Damajagua Falls in The Dominican Republic, diving a shipwreck in Grand Cayman, and relaxing on a private beach in the Bahamas. 

Rob and I enjoying the beautiful beach at Half Moon Cay, Bahamas

Damajagua Fall, Dominican Republic

Anyone who has traveled has most likely experienced waiting in line, looking for luggage, unexpected  delays, last minute itinerary changes(We did thanks to Hurricanes Irma and Maria) or other inconveniences. It's just part of the travel experience. But when these typical annoyances come up with folks in recovery we are much more likely to shrug and take them in stride. People who have experienced humility and gratitude laugh the loudest. After all, we are not a glum lot!

For more information on cruise groups or to receive information on next year's Gratitude at Sea Cruise call 877-554-2789 or visit: www.cruiseone.com/rditmars.