The shooting brought it all back for me: the split second devastation, the sudden loss of a child, the incomprehensible shredding of a family. As a mother who belongs to this ever-growing fellowship of grief I offer my 3 most fervent prayers for the families, my brothers and sisters in despair.
1. A POSITIVE CHANNEL FOR YOUR ANGER:
Your anger is inevitable and undeniable. It is flaming and raw. To deny it is to stop being the loving parent that you are. "Why oh why, Lord? Where are you?" We say with clenched teeth and burning tears. Allow your anger to exist. Acknowledge it—don't gulp it back down inviting it to feast upon your soul.
After the death of our sons my husband, Rob, and I were two wounded creatures spinning, tottering, and thumping into each other. We had to learn to punch a pillow not each other.
The survival rate of marriages after the death of a child is dismal, but not insurmountable. Read more. I believe many marriages fail because our anger becomes misdirected.
Dear families, I pray that your anger is directed purposefully. I pray that you use it to change laws, to help others, to run a marathon, to write a book, to raise awareness, to elect new leaders, to create memorial tributes. Click here to see what we are doing.
But until you figure that out remember that it is okay to scream and cry. Just try not to do it to each other. God knows you are pissed. Yell at Him instead.
Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
2. FREEDOM FROM GUILT
I pray that you don't blame yourselves. Our version was: "I should have kept that lunch date. It's my fault." Don't believe the lies of our enemy, the destroyer. "I shouldn't have sent her to that school." "I shouldn't have had that argument." "I didn't say I love you enough—I was a bad parent." That is the voice of Satan, stabbing, jabbing, lying.
Eph 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes."
The truth is, if you are parents like us, you did the best that you could, and your child knew it. He still knows it.
3. COMFORT
My third and final prayer for you, dear families, is one of comfort. This may seem unattainable right now. I pray that the Lord( even if you don't believe in Him) brings to your mind those moments of joy and reassurance that you need right now.
Let me tell you about the death of our first son, Chris. Unlike your child he died slowly. Cancer ended his life at the age of 14. One of the last things he said to us was. "I won't be bald anymore. I'll be buff again and get my six pack back. I'll be with Jesus." His faith and humor has brought us great comfort in the years since his passing.
Our other son, Jarrod, died suddenly like your child. He was 21. He woke up in his room, rumpled clothes on the floor, texting his girlfriend, dashed out the door, and never came back. One minute his laughter filled our home, and the next moment our house became an empty chamber.
Jarrod did not die in an act of violence, so I can't even pretend to know what that is like. He was killed in an underwater speargun accident. It was a Co2 powered weapon that should never have been sold to a non-commercial fisherman. It had the power to send a spear through his skull. So, I share your anguish regarding our country's grossly negligent laws.
Stoneman families, I hold a special love for you because we share this unfair burden together. Why couldn't we have more time?
Despite the senselessness of it all, I draw comfort from one of Jarrod's last conversations. His girlfriend called a few days after the funeral and said, "The last time we spoke Jarrod told me that he felt really at peace with God."
That is my prayer for all of you in this time of anguish. May you receive dreams and messages of comfort about your child. I pray that friends, family, and teachers share special moments with you. I pray that loving ears hear your cries. May you see the brightness of your child's life and feel the hope of eternity.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Dear Marjory Stoneman Douglas High Families(or anyone else who has lost your loved one) if it brings you comfort to tell me about your child(or spouse) please post a comment below.
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