4 GIFTS THAT MOM GAVE US

      This blog is for anyone who has lost a beloved mother. 

     How do you say goodbye to the person who has loved you unconditionally since the moment you were born?

      I think the first thing we do is realize that it isn’t really goodbye. It’s farewell until we are all together again in the house of the Lord. My mother passed away a few days ago and I want to celebrate the gifts that she gave us.

1. FAMILY VALUES

Mom gave us the gift of strong family values. She anchored our family with loving structure and home-cooked meals. We sat down at the table together every night for dinner. We each had our own place at the table and that security eventually helped us find our own places in the world.

1968: Mom in the background with the 4 of us kids. I am in the sailor hat.

      Every Sunday morning before church we woke up to the sound of Irish music playing and the smell of bacon cooking. My husband, Rob, and I raised our 3 children in church and we ate dinners together as a family, even as it was rapidly going out of style. I believe that those two practices: joining a church and sharing meals together are the backbone of family life.

       In my long career as a teacher, I often urged my families to break bread together, to give their kids a chance to process their day and to problem solve.

      Cell phones need to go in a bin. Life's challenges need to be addressed from a Christian perspective. There also needs to be time for laughter and celebrating each family member's uniqueness. I am grateful for that background. 

      If this doesn't sound like your family, it is NEVER too late to start. 

2. LOVE

 Mom gave us the gift of love. I remember one time when I was little sitting on the floor with friends watching TV. (Back then it was 3 channels and rabbit ears!) Mom swooped into the room and announced, “I’m collecting kisses!” She went around the room hugging and kissing everyone. Our home was a neighborhood hangout where everyone was welcome. 

            Love makes a heart sensitive. I will never forget my younger sister, Maureen’s christening party. I was five years old and I watched with childish envy as my baby sister’s pile of gifts grew taller and taller. In my young mind’s eye, the stack of presents reached all the way to the ceiling. Then, after everyone left Mom turned to me and smiled. “Honey, you pick out whatever you want and it’s yours.” I still remember that white stuffed lamb.

       Such a seemingly small act of kindness in an adult's eyes is usually a big deal for a child.

3. FAITH

Thinking of that little stuffed lamb I can’t help but draw a parallel to our Lord giving us His son, His perfect white lamb. Mom’s greatest gift to us—her gift of faith. We saw her pray daily, and she taught us to be grateful for what the Lord had given us. A number of years ago Mom took Maureen and me to a holy site. Seeing people come together from all over the world to pray had a huge impact on me. I felt the power of the holy spirit. That connection would become my anchor in later years when my family and I experienced great challenges.

          Whenever we faced difficulties Mom was fond of saying, “Offer it up.” This became a family catchphrase over the years, and Mom would laugh when we would imitate her saying it. Mom could always laugh at herself. We all inherited Mom’s gift of humor.

4. HUMOR

 

    Humor was such a huge part of our family life.

One of our favorite stories is the time when our family was young and we had just moved to a new area. Mom’s car broke down and she became quite flustered. She called Dad and described everything in detail including what she was wearing. Dad, in his usual deadpan manner, replied, “Well, Honey, why don’t you stand on the roof of the car and wave so I know it’s you.” As the years went by Mom loved poking fun at herself by telling that story.

         By showing us children that she could laugh at herself Mom taught us not to take ourselves too seriously.

One of our favorite family tales is the one about the bald cake. Mom’s dear friend, Shirley, baked a cake for her birthday and brought it over to our house a day early. Big mistake. Well, our inquisitive little selves couldn’t help but peek under the cake dish. There it was, the creamiest most exquisite strawberry icing known to man. Surely, one little finger swipe wouldn’t be noticed?  Mmmm was it good! Well, you can imagine the damage done by four little sets of fingers over the course of 24 sneaky hours. We even lifted off the top layer and scraped the icing in between before nonchalantly putting it back.

 When Mom lifted the lid the next day she gasped in horror. All that remained of the icing was a few pinkish finger tread marks. It wasn’t long before Mom’s initial anger gave way to humor, and she ended up telling the story to all of her friends.

My favorite memories are bringing my children up from Florida to visit Mom and Dad and to see snow. One time when my Chris was about six my Florida boy wanted to make some ice. So we poured water into a Dixie cup and set it out on the porch. Well, the weather didn’t cooperate. It didn’t go below freezing. So Mom and I decided to help mother-nature along a little. When Chris was in bed we poured out the water and put an ice cube in the cup. When Chris saw the ice cube the next morning he exclaimed, “So that’s where they come from.”

During the past months as Mom declined, she asked us to tell her all of the stories that we never dared to share when we were young. So we told her about playing in the drainage pipes below a major highway, climbing on rooves at construction sites, and jumping off of our neighbor's roof into their sandbox. Mom laughed with love in her eyes.

I realize that I grew up more privileged than most. We had a Mom and a Dad that loved us, and a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. Perhaps you are a struggling single parent or a victim of abuse. Maybe you have no foundation to build upon.

         Remember, with God nothing is impossible. I have seen it with my own eyes.

 You can be like my mom and leave a legacy of love, laughter, and faith.

Proverbs 22:6 says it best:

  Train up a child in the way he should go,
^[And when he is old he will not depart from it.

        Mom, we know where we came from, and thanks to your example, we know where we are going.

        Thank you for being our mom.

        Do you have a story about your mom? Please share it!

          

4 CHRISTIAN THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE "BOY ERASED"

I recently watched the movie, "Boy Erased" and it occurred to me that the values and the methods of the so-called Christians in that film may be the only conception of Christianity offered to some folks in the LGBT community.

The movie "Boy Erased" starring Lucas Hedges and Russel Crowe, is based on the memoir by Garrad Conley. It is the true story of the teenage son of a pastor who was subjected to gay conversion therapy. He had to endure cult-like tactics and shaming procedures such as public confessions, robotic chants, and witnessing demons being beaten out of his struggling friend, Cameron.

Cameron, played by Britton Sear, was having trouble complying with the program. He was torn by his same-sex attraction and his desire to be saved. He also grappled with the rejection of his family. In order to scare him into following the program, he was made to attend a fake funeral for himself complete with a casket.

 Later in the movie, Cameron kills himself.

Data collected from 35 studies show that sexual minority youth are more than 3 times likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Click here for full article.

As of this writing, gay conversion therapy is legal in 36 states. Many of these programs are affiliated with self-proclaimed Christian organizations.

 Research has revealed that 698,000 LGBT adults have undergone conversion therapy and more than half of them said they received the treatment when they were adolescents.

Many of these programs tell the attendees that if they do not change they are going to hell.

No wonder the gay community has become distrustful.

I found the film shocking and thought-provoking, and I'd like to present 4 important points for Christians to consider.

1. MANY IN THE LGBT COMMUNITY HAVE A FALSE IMPRESSION OF CHRISTIANITY

 Let me start off by saying that Conversion therapy is a perversion of true Christian love. Jesus says in Matthew 22:34-40 that the greatest commandment of all is to love God, and the second greatest is to love one another. 

Telling gay adolescents that God does not love them is wrong. It is also putting conditions on their salvation.

The bible clearly states the only way to be saved.  

Romans 10:9 Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Period

There are no prerequisites about sexual orientation, criminal background checks, character references, or church attendance. 

2. WE MUST ACT IN LOVE

                

How many LBGT's really know the true promise? For that matter, there's plenty of heterosexuals out there who don't really understand the gospel.

We have to meet people where they are. When Jesus met the woman at the well he didn't tell her to stop sleeping around before He would chat with her. 

The idea is to love on them and allow God to work in them. 

What are we, as Christians, going to do when movies like "Boy Erased" reveal some of the awful things being done in the name of Christianity? 

We can't allow the media and politics to define us. We have to show everyone who we really are.

We need to nurture our relationships with our LGBT friends and family. It's impossible to share the good news if we are estranged from them. 

Also, it's probably not a good idea to tell them stories of folks leaving the gay lifestyle unless they ask. 

We are not responsible for judging them or changing them.

                

 Our so-called "Great Commission" is to spread the gospel, not to decide whether or not someone is worthy enough to hear it.

 We should be trying to introduce them to the saving grace of Jesus. Instead of pushing them away from us on earth, we should be inviting them to join us in heaven!

We will probably face rejection. Our gay family members may balk at accepting Jesus when His word condemns same-sex relations. But remember the Bible also condemns lying, cheating, and a multitude of other sins. 

Jesus paid for all of it, not just the heterosexual sins.

One of my closest friends has a gay son. He has denounced the church despite his Christian upbringing. I believe his decision was strongly influenced by a culture that paints Christians as the enemy.

She is doing her part to change that. She has told him many times that no matter what she loves him, and also that God loves him. 

Are we telling our gay friends that, or are we avoiding "G" word?

Are we letting politics scare us away from intimate friendships?

Are we missing chances to plant seeds of hope?

Robert Loius Stevenson said, "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant."

3. WE DON'T HAVE TO COMPROMISE OUR BELIEFS

On the other hand, I don't believe in compromising my beliefs in order to be politically correct. 

Because I believe the Bible is God-breathed, as a Christian, I can't treat it like a buffet where I only take what I want. Therefore I adhere to the traditional view of marriage, which could certainly make me some enemies.

Well, that puts me in good company then, doesn't it? Jesus had a few enemies I believe.

John 15:18 

 “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.

Sticking to our beliefs does not mean going around confronting those in the LGBT community. It means speaking the truth in love. Ephesians 4:15

Instead of getting stuck arguing about sexual sin or the definition of marriage ( There is no marriage in heaven anyway (Matthew 22:30) we need to focus on the bigger plan. God does not want anyone to perish.

The point is that in the end there is only one judge who matters.

4. ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE

I don't believe that the great commission (spreading the gospel) contains an "Only people like you" clause.

As a heterosexual, I cannot even imagine what it must be like growing up feeling sexually different or being told to deny my feelings. 

I can't imagine what it is like to be shunned by my family.

I can't imagine what it is like to be scared of the church.

My life has been blessed by gay friends and relatives in my life, and I can't imagine not having relationships with them.

Below are two links to helpful articles from The Christian Post on sharing the gospel with the LGBT community: How to Share Part 1; How to Share Part

I would love to hear from you! What is your experience? Please post below.

SOMEDAY I'LL GET THAT HUG

All I wanted for Christmas was something that I knew I couldn't have. That doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. 

I wish I could get a hug from my boys. If only they could step out of eternity for the briefest of moments and wrap their arms around me one more time.

When I meditate that is what I picture; that is what I feel—the strength of their young arms, the brush of Jarrod's curly hair, Chris whispering "Mommy Meatball" one last time.

I am grateful for Christmas with our daughter and grandkids. 

Skyla, Saradi, and me with our home-made gingerbread houses.

There is magic in young Skyla's eyes as she twirls her brand-new rainbow Barbie in the air.

But Bittersweet moments still rush into my head. I see young Chris beneath a long-ago tree with that same magic in his eyes as he opens his grandmom's gift, a giant box of matchbox cars.

Once, when Chris was lying in the hospital, his chemo pump growling beside him, I asked him to tell me one of his favorite memories.

The reply was not what I expected from a teenager. "Remember Mom, when I was in kindergarten we practiced my ABC's beneath the Christmas tree."

Now my older granddaughter, Saradi, is a teenager, and I am here for her in the present. Her love of bold colors and artsy patterns has skipped a generation. Her mom simply rolls her eyes as the two of us celebrate a pair of Bohemian patched pants.

Saradi and I can share Jarrod too. She was 10 when he died, and he was more like a brother than an uncle. Fishing trips and piggyback rides, I hope she never forgets.

Jarrod

 We can't help but mourn our other unborn grandchildren. Our boys would have been fabulous fathers. 

Our daughter, Erin, mourns her brother, her best friend, her unborn nieces and nephews.

If I let it Christmas can trigger paralyzing waves of PTSD. So my greatest present is to stay in the present. And to not forget the hope of glory.

Chris

Once, when Jarrod was about 11 we were talking about his brother, Chris, in heaven. "Yeah, I can't wait to go home too." Jarrod had said ironically, prophetically. He joined his brother at the age of 21.

I think of the little boy, Jesus. He knew he wasn't home either. He knew that he was born to die, to give us the true gift of Christmas. That's the magic in my longing eyes.

Jesus did Christmas in reverse. He started out with unimaginable piles of presents and left them all behind. 

He gave up perfection and traded it for pain and betrayal. He did it for 33 long years. 

He did that so I could get that hug someday.



Deuteronomy 33:27: "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

3 WAYS TO HELP THE GRIEVING NAVIGATE THE HOLIDAYS

The holiday season is tricky at best for those who are grieving.

About ten minutes after Halloween the bombardment begins. Ads, music, lights, decorations, parties-they stab and poke at the hearts of those of us whose holidays will never be the same.

While we can't bring our loved one back there are specific things that we can do to help the grieving navigate the holidays.

#1 LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS

Do not make any demands on your grieving loved one. Family holiday traditions that once brought them comfort may be a source of pain right now. For several years after our Chris died, we went away at Christmas time. It was too painful to decorate the house and wake up on Christmas morning without him. Finally, we started decorating again with the help of our granddaughter and our other children.

Some people will gradually return to holiday activities, and some never will. Others will begin new traditions. You cannot impose any rules or timelines on them.

It's okay to let them know that you are thinking of them. Our first Christmas after our Jarrod went to be with the Lord his girlfriend brought over home-made cookies. We were able to enjoy them in the privacy of our home without having to dress up and show up somewhere with smiles plastered on our faces.

#2 GIVE GIFTS THAT HONOR THEIR MEMORIES

We have several Christmas ornaments given to us that contain photos of our children when they were small. These are precious to us now. They remind us of the gift of the years that we had together.

Our daughter Erin, and son, Chris, circa 1990

Our son, Chris, battled cancer for 4 years and we spent more than 200 nights at the Ronald McDonald House near the children's hospital where he was treated. After his passing thousands of dollars were donated in his name. It is edifying to know that other struggling families were blessed by Chris's memory.

Take the time to find out what charity or cause was closest to their heart and give accordingly. This is really a gift that you are giving to the survivors. You are helping them leave a legacy honoring their loved one.

#3 UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE LONELY

There is an intense loneliness that comes with grief. No one can fill the missing space held so uniquely by their loved one.

 Paradoxically, people who are lonely often isolate. We are avoiding having to deal with the world without our missing loved one. Don't take it personally if we aren't up for your invitation to get together. Don't take it personally if we don't call you back. However, we do appreciate your cards and messages.

The lens through which we view the world has been shattered. Until we assimilate a new one we may get stuck for a while. But even after we heal, we are still changed forever. Understand that we are in pain. And yes, even though we may act like we want to be left alone, we are still very lonely.

Unfortunately, this is a type of loneliness that can't be cured with social invitations. If your grieving friend wants to talk about the person they miss, please just listen. Talking about their loved one is the closest they are going to get to them for now. It reaffirms that they lived, they laughed, and they loved.

They may not be ready to talk, but when they are—be there. Allowing us to share memories is the greatest gift of all. You are helping us feel the presence of the one we long for.

Our son, Jarrod, shortly before he died in an accident

1 Corinthians 13:12 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

CELEBRATING MY SISTER, MY BEST FRIEND

Let's face it there is no one like a sister. Same genes, same family history, same secrets, and the same-gender orientation when dealing with pesky brothers.

Me, standing, Maureen the youngest, in middle. Circa 1963

I am so grateful that you are my sister, Maureen, and that we grew up as allies and not enemies. Perhaps the five-year spread created enough age distance to eliminate competition. Or maybe the fact that one of our brothers teased you so much that I became your protector, determined to see you survive your elementary years.

Also working in our favor, was our mother's frequent brain-washing. "You'll always have each other."

Mom saying, "You'll always have each other."

And we did.

Being the older sister, I became the explainer of life. When our mom's description of the birds and bees(Bless her 1960's Catholic heart.) left you more confused than enlightened I happily filled in the missing details. After all, I had learned them myself while listening in on the collective wisdom of our brothers' friends.

We were Batman and Robin, dashing around the yard in our capes. We were secret sunbathers crawling out of our bedroom window onto the roof to lay out. We rode bikes, shot hoops, played dolls, and always thought the same things were funny.

"EEWW, I'd never swim in the kiddie pool at the swim club. All the babies pee in it. Yeah, they should just put in a flusher. Ha Ha Ha. That's a good one!"

"Remember when Heidi(our dog) pooped in the hall and you stepped in it barefoot? Ha Ha Ha. You hopped on one foot all the way down the hallway screaming EWW, EWW, EWW.!"

"Remember the night we climbed that big fence at the swim club and went skinny dipping. Then when we left we found out the gate was unlocked. Ha Ha Ha."

For many years we went skiing together and nicknamed ourselves "The Chapstick Sisters". We rode the chairlift and talked about everything. Husbands, kids, God, and cellulite.

Maureen and me. The Chapstick Sisters.

When we grew older, uncooperative ACL's wouldn't allow us to ski together anymore. But we have never stopped our semi-annual visits, even though we are separated by more than a thousand miles.

Along the way, you stopped being just my little sister and simply became my very best friend.

You were there for me during many long phone conversations when my precious little boy battled cancer. I was there for you when your precious little boy battled depression.

More adversity followed; too many stories to recount here. But each of them has served to strengthen our bond.

Now you are caring for our elderly mom. You bear most of the burden for her daily care. You juggle doctors, social workers, insurance, hospitalizations, and the emotional roller coaster of being a care-taker.

 You have put your life on hold, and I want you to know that you are appreciated.

I hope you realize that you are a hero

I can't be there as much as I would like to.

 But I will always be your best friend.

THE IN-BETWEEN PLACE

Have you ever felt like you don't fit anywhere?

 I think most of us have felt that way at one time or another. Perhaps you identify with awkward middle school memories choosing a seat on the bus or the anxiety of finding a 'home' table in the high school cafeteria.

But it gets more complicated when we grow up. Especially when things change unexpectedly.

For many years my persona was wrapped around being a teacher and a mom. My children all attended the school where I taught, and I was part of a school family and a professional learning community.

For many years my husband was a successful businessman, and we enjoyed an upper-middle-class lifestyle with globe-trotting vacations and fancy parties. I congratulated myself for being a successful member of society, and I felt grateful to be among the lucky ones.

Over the years almost everything has changed. Our firstborn son died of cancer, our lucrative business perished in the great recession, and our second son died in an accident. Several other health and financial blows followed in quick succession.

I went from being able to critique ski resorts around the country to someone who puts groceries back, puts off dental work, and wonders how I am going to pay my hospital bills.

Now that most of the fancy props are gone, things that used to matter don't seem so important anymore.

 I am in an in-between place.

I am re-assessing my purpose in life, and I sincerely doubt that it is supposed to be to get all of the stuff back that I used to have.

I turn away more and more from what the world expects of me, and I turn my face towards God, asking Him what He wants from me.

Looking at the recent news is a reminder of the huge gaps in this world.

 Sunami and earthquake survivors in Indonesia walk among the rubble that used to be their homes, mourning their dead family members.

A businesswoman critiques which app delivers her food and make-up in a timely manner.

Homeless teens and young adults in our city hope to have a drop-in center soon.

Quarterback Jameis Winston will make $21 million in 2019.

This is not the world that I want to fit into.

But if I hadn't been humbled, I doubt that I would be looking so hard for God's will. Now I strive to be more like the apostle Paul.

Philippians 4:12 

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I was walking my dog yesterday, and I met a woman who also lost a child to cancer. We paused on the sidewalk while our dogs sniffed and we spoke about our children. We had just met, yet we were able to converse at an intimate level about heaven and eternity. 

We were standing in the gap between this world and the next, the in-between place.

I hugged a friend yesterday who had just celebrated one year of sobriety. 

We were standing in the gap between regret and hope, the in-between place.

The in-between place is where the buzz of the world subsides and the voice of God is heard. It's where we let go.

Philippians 4:13 

13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength