With the opioid crisis trampling families across America and alcoholism on the rise we must take care of our smallest victims— our children!
Chances are that you know a child affected by drug or alcohol abuse. Many of us have found ourselves in the position of having to explain a loved one’s addiction to a child.
I am a woman in recovery and a grandmother who helped to raise a grandchild affected by addiction. Over the years I have sponsored other women in a twelve step program. I would like to share four important things that I have learned along the way.
1. Realize that they already know something isn't right, and acknowledge it.
Unless the child is an infant, there is a very good chance that they already know a lot, usually way too much. If you try to pretend that everything is okay you are setting them up for disappointment and trauma later on. If you can get the child to open up about their fears and anxieties then you can address specifics with them.
A child living with active addiction may fear for their safety.
If their loved one has left they may feel abandoned.
Older children will often be tempted to use or drink themselves.
Unhealthy relationships in the household may cause the child to regress or act out inappropriately.
It can also create a situation where a child has to grow up too fast and fend for him or herself, or care for a neglected younger sibling.
The first step is to provide the child with a safe place to talk. By acknowledging the situation and allowing the child to give a voice to their turmoil you can move closer to finding ways to help them.
2. Use age-appropriate language.
For a younger child telling them that mom, dad, or a sibling went away to get better because they were sick is appropriate. If they trust you they will ask questions, and those can be your guide. School-age children receive drug education in school and now have more sophisticated knowledge than our generation did. And of course, the influence of media and the movies may have presented them with a bit more education than we would want.
With my granddaughter, who lived with us from the age of 6 to 10, I used more general phrases when she was younger, and as her questions and comments became more specific and probing I answered in kind. She was always mature for her age so at the age of 9 or 10 she was probably asking questions that a 12 or 13-year-old would ask. However, I never volunteered details that would upset her. She did not need to know graphic details. I used phrases like “drugs” or “too much medicine”. I didn't name the drug. I didn't offer information that she did not request.
3. Be Honest
It is never a good idea to lie. This breaks trust. The child has already been betrayed by the disease of addiction. They have already been fed a pack of lies. By trying to protect them you may actually contribute to their sense of fear and isolation. This will increase their likelihood of acting out in inappropriate ways. If you can’t figure out what to say get help from a counselor.
When she was in our custody my granddaughter was attending open recovery meetings with me. (Closed meetings allow only alcoholics and no children.) She witnessed first-hand other families getting better.
These discussions naturally led to a dialogue about my alcoholism. I told her that my mind and body had become addicted to alcohol, just like her mom’s did with drugs. I also warned her that because alcohol was legal and socially acceptable it can be very easy to overindulge. At least it was for me!
I told her the story of my sister Maureen and myself. We would go out to have a few drinks and Maureen never had more than 2. Her brain would say things like, “I need to stop now. I’m really starting to feel it. I’ll be sorry tomorrow.” Meanwhile, my brain was screaming, “Yeah, baby! Keep them coming. More, more! This feeling can only be improved.” I explained to her that my brain was lying.
I told her about research that has proven that the way the brains of alcoholics and addicts process substances is different than those of normal drinkers and non-addicts. This is the disease or allergy aspect that much has been written about. It also shows a strong correlation between substance abuse in parents and their children. In other words, it runs in families.
I think the most important thing I told her was that her mother’s behavior was not her fault. She did not do anything to cause it. Her mom has a disease. Also, it doesn’t mean that her mom doesn’t love her. On the contrary, it was her mom’s love for her and her sister that made her decide to get help.
Now my granddaughter is a teenager, and her mom is doing well. They are back living together. However, I still talk to my granddaughter when the opportunity arises. “You’ll go to parties. Be careful. Sooner or later someone will offer you drugs. Rehearse how you will say no. And when you are old enough to drink if you find yourself wanting more when everyone else has stopped that’s a red flag. You are never too young to get help.”
4. Don't Make Promises That You Can't Keep.
Platitudes like "It's okay" and "Everything is going to be alright" may not come true. Don't tell the child that you can fix everything. Be comforting, but realistic. Sadly, you can't promise that their loved one will get better. You can tell the child that their loved one is getting help, but only if it's true. Always reassure the child that they are loved.
In some cases, the active alcoholic or addict has gone missing. It's much better to say that you don't know where they are than it is to make something up. If their loved one has been incarcerated only promise to make visits if you can follow through. The age of the child, the wishes of their loved one, and distance are all factors that must be taken into account before you speak up.
Focus on what you can promise. For our granddaughter, we promised her that she would always be safe with us. We promised to take her to after-school events. We took her to church and to youth group. We promised her that Jesus will always love both her and her mother.
Now my granddaughter is a teenager, and her mom is doing well. They are back living together. However, I still talk to my granddaughter when the opportunity arises. “You’ll go to parties. Be careful. Sooner or later someone will offer you drugs. Rehearse how you will say no. And when you are old enough to drink if you find yourself wanting more when everyone else has stopped that’s a red flag. You are never too young to get help.”
4. Don't Make Promises That You Can't Keep.
Platitudes like "It's okay" and "Everything is going to be alright" may not come true. Don't tell the child that you can fix everything. Be comforting, but realistic. Sadly, you can't promise that their loved one will get better. You can tell the child that their loved one is getting help, but only if it's true. Always reassure the child that they are loved.
In some cases, the active alcoholic or addict has gone missing. It's much better to say that you don't know where they are than it is to make something up. If their loved one has been incarcerated only promise to make visits if you can follow through. The age of the child, the wishes of their loved one, and distance are all factors that must be taken into account before you speak up.
Focus on what you can promise. For our granddaughter, we promised her that she would always be safe with us. We promised to take her to after-school events. We took her to church and to youth group. We promised her that Jesus will always love both her and her mother.
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